More Thought Bytes

ORIGINS

Why call this blog "Speaking in Tongues"?

When I was a kid, my mother was, and remains, a religious fanatic, bouncing from one belief to the next. Between the ages of 10 and (I think) 13, she was a "born again" Christian and would attend prayer groups. I remember the first time I was in one, and near the end, these crazies raised their hands and went off into a gibberish rant. They called it "speaking in tongues" and told me that, in the rapture of the Holy Spirit, they were speaking in a divine language. Being young, and just not getting it, they told me of the apostles who were granted this ability after the Holy Spirit descended upon them. The idea, the implication anyway, to me, meant it was a language of truth that transcends everything. So after that, I waited...and waited...and waited to get hit with the spirit and go off into my holy rant, but it never happened. Then, one night, instead of raising my hands and closing my eyes, I looked around at everyone else. I thought of the story again, the apostles spoke in a divine tongue that was UNDERSTOOD BY EVERYONE, a miracle. But, I couldn't understand a word of what these people were saying, was I evil? Or, were they full of it? So I tried something, I raised my hands, closed my eyes, and started letting anything fly out of my mouth. I even used some Michael Jackson lyrics, mama say mamasa mamagoosa, and anything else that would come out (clean of course). Afterwards, I thought my ass was in trouble, it was so obvious what I had done, I thought they'd see me as some disrespectful little brat, but they cheered me, hugged me, I was a "blessed" child, a "prophet in the making". I guess that was what laid the first seed for my feelings on religion...well, not right away, I sucked up the attention first. It was a hell of a ride, having a group of adults listening to what I thought about bible scripture. It was fun, and to be honest, I sort of miss it. But, I never forgot what it means to speak in tongues, and when I started sending emails to my friends about my little observations, honest ones that could have been perceived as ignorant or just stupid, I sent them with this title. So, there you go.

FEAR

Fear is good, to an extent. A lot of things they tell you are bad are good when you think about it. Fear puts you on your guard, keeps you safe, and makes you think twice about walking down that dark alley. Fear makes you plan things very carefully and reduces the odds of failure.

Al Pacino in ANY GIVEN SUNDAY said, "Football is a game of inches." Same can be said for life, about fear, and any other "bad things" out there. Its all about the measurements, what can heal you, could kill you.

The older I get, especially in my marriage, the more I realize, and separate, what's real from what's idealistic, but not humanly possible. When I was younger, I believed in a lot of romantic ideals. Love is unconditional, it's not jealousy, distrustful, or selfish, you know the rap. And I walked into every relationship trying to be Romeo, trying to live up to these notions with disastrous results. I couldn't understand why or how I could follow these "rules" and not have success (with one exception, keep reading...). I was being cheated on, dumped, laughed at, and generally treated like shit. Embarrassing as it is, I lived like this until I was...25? No, 29, after my daughter was born, and I was in conflict between the man I was, and the myth I portrayed myself to being. I had accomplished the unthinkable, the "good guy" had convinced the "bad girl" to stay with him, but the act was wearing thin and the man was seeping through.

There I was, married, a father, and those romantic ideals, or just common "good guy vs. bad guy" things, weren't holding up anymore. I went to a counselor, and my first priority, the first question I asked, was whether or not my whole life were based on a lie. And being a great counselor, she didn't give me a right or wrong answer, but let me work it out. My first step was learning this: the meaning of Romeo and Juliet isn't to point out the power of their love, but the consequences of their immaturity. After that, I questioned everything, and so much began to make sense.

Love is unconditional, but what is unconditional love worth? It's free, but nothing of real value is free. If a person will love you no matter what, then why aspire to please them? Why treat them right? Why be faithful if they'll love you regardless (the implication being they'll stay with you)? Love is trust, but people treasure what they want and could lose. It goes with jealousy and envy, we covet what we cannot have, and we safeguard what others would take from us. So if we trust someone not to cheat, if we trust someone not to leave, then how does that affect our desire for that person? If we have no jealousy over someone, then how much do we treasure or appreciate them? These thoughts continued and I began to question the idea of "falling in love". No question that love does and should exist in a relationship, but it's being dominated by emotion that troubled me. Emotions are so fleeting, they change on a dime, you're happy today and miserable tomorrow. So is it hard to believe that we can love someone today and hate him or her the next day or five years later?

Ironically, my marriage didn't begin to prosper until I flipped the script on all these things. I started to embrace what I believe to be the "human condition", instead of aspiring to be Romeo or the romantic ideal for our time, I embraced being human. Humans are jealous, we're distrustful, we covet what we can't have and treasure what others want. Those things, in moderation, when directed towards another person could equal desire, appreciation, love, lust, etc. Realizing either person in a relationship could walk out the door at any second, that fear of failure, the feelings of jealousy (another person with your lover), the feelings of envy (them moving on while you remain alone) brings forth another aspect of love we don't often see or acknowledge, possession. My wife is MINE and I don't want anyone else to have her. That wasn't based on emotion, per say, but a conscious decision that the woman who is my wife is something special, so special, that I don't want to lose, nor take the risk, of losing her. Further, I don't want any other man, or woman, to have "it". Now, some might say this is the most chauvinistic comment a person could make, but my marriage prospered based on it, and we're about to celebrate our ten year anniversary in 2005, when we were so close to divorce court...VERY close. A friend of mine said something that, at the time I thought was pretty damn mean and negative, but in retro was pretty smart, "Never tell someone (your partner) that you don't deserve them. Because after a while, they'll believe it and leave your ass." If there's any secret to marriage and relationships, I've found it to be this, love someone for who they are inside, but lust after the person on the outside. Nuff said.

FINALLY, TO THE POINT

One of the purposes of this blog is to discuss my writing career and the thoughts I have, share them with friends, see them bounce around, and mainly to get them out of my head and on "paper".

Being a writer who wants to become the "next big thing" in my chosen medium, comic books, I look at what's out there now and try to find the new spin that would equal fortune and glory. One of my passions is the comic vigilante, Wildcat, Sandman, Batman, and The Shadow. Even super powered ones like Spider-Man, Daredevil, and...Hmph, I've gone blank, but you get the idea.

I was thinking about the "with great power comes great responsibility" theme of Spider-Man and how that really speaks to people. But, it's coming from someone who's a good guy at heart, so what's the challenge? Follow - you're Peter Parker, bitten by a spider, has powers, and in a moment of selfishness you let a crook go who later kills your uncle...but, are you REALLY to blame? Sure, you could have stopped him (or her - that's an interesting thought, the crook doesn't have to be a guy), but so could have the a few dozen others. Especially in the movie version, where Uncle Ben is carjacked on the streets of New York. Is it really your fault? And that Peter would feel guilty and eventually do the right thing, is that such a leap? Now, I'm not downing Spider-Man, just looking at the concept and twisting it around. The same goes for Daredevil, if you're a kid who'll risk your life at such a young age, powers or not, to save someone, what's the temptation, the odds, that you wouldn't fight crime on some level? Where's the temptation to "go bad" or stop what you're doing?

Here's where I'm going with this, where is the greater source of conflict (drama), with the good kid who tries to do the right thing? Or the bad guy who tries to do the right thing? What if Peter was a juvenile delinquent? What if, and stick with me here, what if HE was the CROOK? He rips someone off, pats himself on the back, then goes home to find out that his family has been struck down by crime? How much...meatier would it be for him to fight everyday to do the right thing, to use his powers for good and not evil? Because he'd truly understand how easy life could be on the "other side". It's like a murderer; the fear is, once you've killed, it's that much easier to kill again. So, if you've committed any crime, you're more inclined to continue, and if you get away with it, the temptation is even greater. What if Batman killed? What if he found and killed Joe Chill, the mugger who stole the life of his parents, and his childhood? He kills, realizes that the act is evil and heals nothing, scarring him even further, so when he swears to never use a gun it means more. But, it's also all the more tempting to kill the Joker isn't it? Especially after he kills Robin and paralyzes Batgirl.

Okay, a quick story before I cut this loose, I'm twenty minutes late for work one day and I arrive angry with myself. It's just another day of my being late, I realize that I'm f'ing up, and I want to change and do what's right, be on time. I set the alarm the night before, go to bed early, the whole nine, but when the alarm goes off, I hit the snooze, and I'm out for an hour before I get up, yell "Oh shit!" and hit the shower. I then spend forty-minutes on the bus cursing myself for being a loser and trying to figure out why I keep f'ing up. I get to work, relieve my coworker who was covering my ass, and ask her out right, "Why can't I just do right?" Years later, I'm here, trying to come up with a character in the spirit of those others I love so much, and I remember those words, "Why can't I just do right?"

What kind of hero would you have then? There is a difference, nothing GOES right for Peter. But, what if Peter couldn't DO right?

That's a road I want to travel for a while...

LAST ONE

I'm afraid for my son, he's healthy and all that, but I'm afraid for his future. He's a DOUBLE Scorpio, and if you're into astrology like my wife, you know he could either become one of the most famous and successful people alive, or a total nut job like Manson...who was successful when you think about it.

Now I know it all comes down to how I raise him, but what if I inadvertently do something, like show him WWE wrestling at too early an age? I did that with my daughter, and then her favorite game was to play fighting. I thank heaven that she's finally moved on to Disney Princesses and playing kitchen. But then I think about how many of those nut jobs came from "good homes"? What if by shielding him, I make him some repressed serial rapist? Hey, my mother tried to shield me, and you wouldn't believe the mess I got into...

Two Words: GAY NIGHTCLUBS!

All I can do is play it by ear I guess, and hope for the best. Still, some nights I'm holding him and wondering, "Could he be the Anti-Christ?"

And then I smile, because that means a black man (okay, half-black) will be President someday, and you gotta take the good with the bad, right?