SATURDAY NIGHT PICTURE SHOW

Warner Brother's CONSTANTINE had all the ingredients that make for entertaining cinema, all but the most essential - John Constantine. Recently, the words “based on” became a warning when something is nothing like it's source material.

I’m continually bewildered by Hollywood, spending large amounts buying these concepts worthy of mass appeal, only to change them later. And the excuse is always the same; "certain concepts just wouldn't translate well from book to film". While I can accept it when it comes to the X-Men and yellow tights, I don’t see what’s so unbelievable about a blonde haired magician?

But hair color doesn't make a character, and neither does their profession or lack of one as the case may be for DC's Hellblazer, so I entered the theater totally ready to accept the WB's new interpretation. But Keanu didn't even come close. Sure, there were some dark one-liners that vibe well, but they came and went fast and too far between. Keanu was so stiff, I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him furiously to loosen up. The movie was filled with moments where you could see the actor only moving enough to hit his mark, and I could almost see the flash from a camera shooting movie stills.

The rest of the production danced around interesting concepts brought to us in a PC manner that was careful not to offend and unworthy of an R rating that promised more. The set and conceptual designs would have been impressive, if it was television, but nothing worthy of cinema, and I could only imagine how much more imaginative it would have been if Tarsem Singh (director of THE CELL) were still attached to the project. Using Los Angeles as hell and heaven was both simple and redundant. The demons were so non-threatening; Constantine came off more like a bully than warrior. And corny inventions like the “Holy shotgun” and blessed brass knuckles destroyed your believability just when you were getting into the story.

The most inconsistent moments were when the movie tried to fulfill it's promise to the comic fans by tossing out a lines or idea from the book, but this only hurts because the story is so far off track it makes no sense. During the film's climax, we're gifted by the appearance of Lucifer, played by Deno Velvet himself, Peter Storemare. Lucifer queries if John's recent attempt at heroism is a con, but after two hours, we've seen nothing in Keanu's character to warrant the question. More painful, was the choice of Lucifer's appearance that made this strong character and actor nothing more than a sweaty perv in a clean suit.

Rachel Weisz was good, but nothing much was required for her character, just an obvious plot tool to facilitated the climax and resolution. As was Papa Midnight, who provided an excuse for special effects that were lackluster. Shia LaBeouf’s Chas had some promise that amounted to cannon fodder by the film’s climax. And I have no idea why Pruitt Taylor Vince’s priest character was even in the movie, except for some cheap attempt at blasphemy.

I can’t say anything bad about Francis Lawrence’s direction, but there’s nothing memorable about it either. It lacked any style or uniqueness we’ve come to expect from music video graduates like David Fincher.

CONSTANTINE is enjoyable, but only because it’s genre is empty of competition right now, unless you like Harry Potter, and those aren’t nearly hardcore enough. Like most genre films lately, the word “potential” screams at you from beginning to end. I couldn’t help imagining what I would have done differently, and even laughed out loud at the thought of John Constantine coming to Los Angeles, trying to buy a box of fags (cigarettes) in a Korean Liquor store where even American English is absent.

Overall, the only thing I took from the movie were notes on how NOT to write a supernatural thriller, especially if I actually want to scare and mystify my audience.

JPG.